Episode 5: Gratitude š
I'm writing this episode from the comfort of my couch, left hand immobilized by my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine.
Hi everyone!
Iām writing this episode of Bala Blabs from the comfort of my couch, under the cover of warm, fuzzy blankets to keep me warm. This morning I got my second shot for my COVID vaccine, and have been dealing with perhaps the most sore left upper arm Iāve ever dealt with in my life. Seriously, what do they have in the Moderna vaccine that they donāt in the Pfizer one to give you such intense side effects?
I canāt even TYPE without my arm hurtingā¦ how is that possible?
Today I wanted to focus on gratitude ā perhaps because Iām grateful to Leon Goretzkaās last minute goal in the Germany - Hungary match at the Euro Cup that secured Germany as a contender in the Final 16s.
I kid.
Only slightly.
Ok I lied, I do not kid. The man can have my firstborn.
Honestly, as Iāve been sitting here enjoying my new Disney + subscription all day (yes, they finally got me), and wincing in pain every time I move my arm, it occurred to me that this isnāt even 1% of the pain that someone experiences when theyāre in the hospital diagnosed with COVID. It doesnāt compare to the pain, and the fear when someone experiences a shortness of breath. And it certainly doesnāt compare to the pain and grief of losing loved ones to the illness.
Iām not discounting the pain that I do feel because of the vaccine, but rather saying that it has given me an opportunity to reflect on the privilege that I have that so many others in the world have or were not afforded. I mean, despite how terrible my experience hunting, searching, and booking vaccine doses has been in Ontario, it is still a privilege that I was able to have access to vaccines, to have a choice in whether or not I wanted to be vaccinated, to be able to take a day off work to rest without thinking about my financial security, and so much more.
So today, I wanted to share three things Iām grateful for in life, a reflection that was sparked by these wonderful side effects I am currently experiencing. I really hope I get some superpowers as a result of this mixed mRNA vaccine situation.
Three Things Iām Grateful For
1. The Air that I Breathe
Air (when I say air, I mean the oxygen we breathe mainly.. I know air is like 78% nitrogen, etc.) ā itās all around us, itās what keeps us alive, and itās priceless. Before we entered a global pandemic, I never once thought about how grateful I am for the air that I breathe. There are very, very few situations on earth today, where I wouldnāt have access to air. Iām grateful for not just my lungs that allow me to breathe, but also my environment, which gives me access to high quality, pollution-free air, all the time. Iām also grateful for how instrumental deep breathing has been in calming my nervous system in my most anxious moments in this pandemic.
2. My Body (Content Warning: Disordered Eating, Body Issues)
This pandemic has been rough on all of us, and Iāve often found times when Iām really cruel to my body. Iāve always had issues with the way that my body has looked, and my negative self talk about it continued in different ways until I made a conscious effort to work through these thoughts at the beginning of the pandemic. I remember going to Fit Factory here in Toronto when I first moved here, and telling the person that I was signing up because I wanted to be strong, when asked what my motivation to go there was.
LIES.
My main motivation was to be really skinny and fit into all the latest trends in Zara, and try on clothes in their fitting rooms without crying or having the rest of my day ruined. And to me the worst part about all of this is that I did this under the veil of being āhealthyā or wanting to be āstrongā.
And then I noticed I had disordered habits of eating ā itās like when the portion of fries comes with some ketchup? For me this would always just be fries with guilt on the side. Iād feel good when my meals were around a certain calorie amount, and a failure when they exceeded that limit.
When the pandemic started, and we were all in our quarantines/stay at home orders, it gave me some time to really deal with these issues, that Iām happy to say, I have worked through significantly. But as I heard about all of the lives lost during COVID-19 because of peoplesā lungs just not being able to keep up, or certain peoples being more at risk because their immune systems were just too weak, something clicked for me, and I promised myself that I would never discount or overlook the amount of work that my body does for me. It allows me to take walks, it allows me to build an immune system, it allows me to do weird dances in the middle of my living room when Iām bored, it allows me to carry groceries, it keeps my heart beating, it allows me to express myself (I talk a LOT with my hands), and Iām not even scratching the surface. Who gives a single, flying, f*** if I canāt look like a Lululemon or Aritzia model? Spoiler: I donāt. Iām not saying that I am now cruelty-free to the way my body looks, there are still moments when I feel insecure and less-than. But I now also tend to catch myself more often when I do go into negative self-talk, and I challenge the dialogue Iām having with myself.
Note: I acknowledge here that people who do experience body issues are all on a journey, and sharing my experience isnāt a way to pressure others into also coming to these realizations right now. Itās more so to share my personal experience within the broader context of gratitude in my own life.
3. (Access To) My Support System
Ok Iām cheating here, this is really two points. So let me start with the shorter concept first. When the Spanish Flu hit, there was no email, iMessage, FaceTime, WhatsApp, etc.
There was fortunately also no Instagram. But I digress.
Today I can literally contact anyone I want to in a matter of seconds. I can always be in touch with them, see their faces even if theyāre many continents away. This access to my support network made this pandemic a lot easier to bear. And despite social media and messaging platforms having evil motives (I always get marketed the New Yorker despite marking those ads as spam EVERY TIME), I canāt discount how much this has supported me through these challenging times. And has only The Good Place figured out that the New Yorker is just a FORM OF TORTURE?
On the other concept ā you know when something is really obvious but because youāve overthought the concept, you believe that youāve discovered something nobody else has? And then you share your discovery/realization with people and theyāre like ā..and?ā Like the time I discovered 2 YEARS AFTER Taylor Swiftās 1989 album dropped, that my favorite song from the album āStyleā, was about Harry STYLES. And I went around telling my friends about this ādiscoveryā and they literally thought I was nuts. NUTS š„.
Anyway, there have been weeks during the pandemic where I have felt extremely anxious and sometimes depressed. I felt like this a week ago actually. And when I was feeling really down, I started pulling away from my friends & loved ones, and rather than talking about how I actually felt, I kept that to myself. I did this primarily because I didnāt want to be a burden to the people in my life. Caretaker burnout is a real thing ya know? I didnāt want the people I care about to be stressed out because of me, with everything else they have to deal with in their lives. And then I was browsing through the IKEA website, and realized ā you canāt have a functional table with 1 leg. Heck, you canāt even with 2. Anything less than 3 legs would not be able to support the table. At this point, Iām like āWow Ananya, how deep of you to think about this while youāre looking at VITTSJĆā. We might as well insert a GIF of Keanu from Bill and Tedās Excellent Adventure at this point.
But actually though ā if a friggin table canāt be supported by less than 3 legs, why am I being so critical of myself for sharing my wellbeing with the people I care about?
Anyway, to summarize, the pandemic has been challenging at times for me, and I am truly grateful to know that I have a system that can support me. I was on a phone call with a friend, and I asked him how he got out of his depression, and he mentioned gratitude being a regular thing he reflected on and practiced, which then sparked this article Iām writing here! I had moments when I just cried to friends and family, and I am glad that I had a safe space to do that. It was nice to not wear a metaphorical mask when I spoke to people. And while it is important to respect peoplesā boundaries, relationships are a two way street. I used to assume so many things about the other person - whether it was burning them out, angering them, or feeling like they would judge me ā and I realized that just like it takes strength and courage for me to be forthcoming with my wellbeing and the challenges Iām facing, it is also their responsibility to inform me of when they need a break, or that they donāt have the capacity to support me in that moment.
All in all, I feel grateful for these three things, and so much more today. I often find that I get caught up in what I donāt have, whether itās a promotion, an apartment I own, the coolest trends to wear, an induction cooktop, a cat, or anything else. But today, I feel very rich with everything that I do have in my life. Except that cat. Someone please just give me a furry devil already.
Havinā Deep Thoughts Too?
What are YOU grateful for? Let me know!
And if you haveĀ oneĀ extra second, leave me a comment! Tell me how I can improve. All thoughts are welcome.
About Bala Blabs
Bala Blabs is how I stay accountable to writing regularly. Writing is something I have loved doing since a very young age. One of the first things I got praised for was a horror poem that I modelled after Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven' at the age of 7.
I've been on the journey of creating a more fulfilling life for myself. And that includes creating, and a part of creating is writing and being able to express my ideas and thought.
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