Episode 3: Giving Feedback
We're quick to write in to the support line if Uber Eats messes up our order, but when was the last time we had this candor with a friend?
Can’t A Woman Drink Her Coffee In Peace?
I absolutely love the coffee I get at Strange Love. They (used to) make a mean flat white. But the last couple have been pretty bad.
I think they have a new barista, and every time he’s finishing my flat white, he takes 4-5 seconds longer to craft the latte art on my coffee. The outcome? Too much milk in my coffee and I can barely taste the espresso. And this has happened to me twice. TWICE. And yes, it would have been rude or just downright weird AF if I ordered my coffee as a “flat white without latte art”. No one does that OK?
I dread just the thought of giving them this feedback, let alone going down there and actually doing it. I now get my coffee elsewhere. I now also feel guilty because I should be looking out for my favourite coffee shop, right?
The Role Feedback Plays in My Life
While I ask for feedback frequently, and place a huge emphasis on receiving it and actioning on it, I don’t place nearly the same emphasis on giving feedback.
I don’t feel comfortable giving feedback because I believe that if a situation could have gone better, it is usually because I could have handled it better, and almost never consider that the other party could also improve.
I’m quick to assess where I have gone wrong, and also quick to disregard where someone else could have gone wrong.
Perfection Does Not Exist
Does this mean that the other party has nothing that they can improve on?
That they’re the best version of themselves?
I don’t have to be a wise wizard to know that such perfection simply does not exist, in humans at least (maybe it does in cats).
Assuming another person can’t go wrong and that the mistake lies with me, isn’t just doing me a disservice, but also doing them one. It’s assuming that while they’re ‘perfect’, their ability to grow has also capped.
My Feedback on Feedback
I think today, there’s a huge emphasis on focusing on what we can control and not stressing out about the things we can’t control. But I often forget that advocating on my behalf and being forthcoming on what I’d like from someone is under my control. And it’s not easy. It’s actually nerve wracking and really tough for me. It takes a lot of courage for me to stick my neck out when there is a possibility that I could get burned for speaking up.
So in the spirit of advocating on my behalf, these days when I’m in a conversation where I’ve asked for feedback, I prep in advance to make sure I don’t miss an opportunity to also return the favour, and give feedback. The following four questions have helped me articulate that feedback in a way that’s constructive.
What am I having trouble with?
How could I have asked for help?
How could the other party have created a safe space for me to voice my needs?
How can I share my experience in a constructive way?
Not All Feedback Is Negative
When writing this newsletter, I completely forgot about the fact that not all feedback is negative/constructive. It just goes to show that feedback is viewed as something given to help someone improve far more than as something given to make someone aware of their strengths/successes.
And giving feedback that’s positive is one of the most heartwarming things that I’ve ever done.
It’s amazing how even hearing just two words, ‘Thank you’, adds an extra spring in my step. So, thank you for reading this newsletter.
And if a mere two words can make me feel amazing, I can only imagine how great someone might feel if I actually spend the time to say more.
Strange Love, Stranger Conversation
The truth is, I don’t actually think that giving feedback will ever make me feel super comfortable. But ultimately, I’ve realized that to give feedback is to care.
Choosing not to give feedback on what I need from the other party is choosing not to set myself up for success - whether it’s in a friendship, at work, or anywhere else.
And how can I be my best self if I’m not set up for success?
So I’d like to end this week’s newsletter with my act of giving feedback. To Strange Love. I need to put my money (and hopefully good coffee once again) where my mouth is, go there and give them feedback on my recent experiences. I WILL cry when they ban me, I will blame all of you for indulging me, and then I will write about it in my next newsletter. So definitely stay tuned for that sequence of events.
What was your most recent act of giving feedback? Is there feedback you are planning on giving someone? I’d love to hear your story!
Havin’ Deep Thoughts Too?
In the spirit of giving feedback, I would love it if you could give me your honest feedback to the question below.
How likely are you to recommend Bala Blabs to a friend? (Click on ‘vote’ next to the option that best describes how you feel)
Option 1. Will not recommend Vote
Option 2. Haven't made up my mind Vote
Option 3. Have and will keep recommending! Vote
And if you have one extra second, leave me a comment! Tell me how I can improve. Tell me what you disagree with. All thoughts are welcome.
About Bala Blabs
Bala Blabs is how I stay accountable to writing regularly. Writing is something I have loved doing since a very young age. One of the first things I got praised for was a horror poem that I modelled after Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven' at the age of 7.
I've been on the journey of creating a more fulfilling life for myself. And that includes creating, and a part of creating is writing and being able to express my ideas and thought.
I'd like to write and share ideas with you on everything I find interesting in topics like personal growth, art, hobbies, and much more. And I hope that as a subscriber, you'll benefit a little bit from reading my content. At the very least, you're supporting one person on their mission to realize their true vision for their life.
Can't help thinking about how much time you spent finding these GIFs that I don't even really understand and then also writing all the captions for them LOL.
Feedback might not always be something so consciously "I want you to change."
Like, no answer is an answer (cc: ghosting). In standup, if it's dead silence, that's the feedback - doesn't necessarily always have to be a heckle vs. huge laugh.