Episode 4: When in the Spotlight 🔦

As an only child you'd think that I like the spotlight. Quite a bit. Well I do, but not in every instance..

I can definitely say that I have my doubts. And my self-doubts. I always second guess myself. I always hesitate before I click the publish button. Every time someone questions the validity or the potential of this newsletter, or anything else I’m starting up - I take it personally. I let it demotivate me.

It’s literally the worst.

When I would reflect on why I behaved this way, a few responses always seem to pop up in my head:

1. What if my work doesn’t matter?

2. What if I’m not good enough of a writer?

3. What if I’m judged?

4. What if I fail?

It only took me thousands of moments where I felt really bad about myself before I realized that all these questions revolved around how others perceived me.

Me at 8AM on Thursdays

My Fear of Judgement

If I could now answer the questions that pop up in my head when I’m feeling doubtful, they would be:

1. What if my work doesn’t matter? To whom?

2. What if I’m not good enough of a writer? According to whom?

3. What if I’m judged? By whom?

4. What if I fail? According to whom?

My work definitely matters to me, I believe that I’m a good writer, I don’t judge myself for writing (but I do judge my work when I have perfectionist tendencies, which I am writing about in a future episode!), and I certainly am not a failure according to myself.

Realizing this gave me a bit of peace — knowing that there was one common theme among these doubtful thoughts I experienced, and that they all came from a fear of judgement, which, as I ponder upon, I realize is in a way a fear of failure — overwhelmed me a little less than I was expecting.

But I just said that I don’t consider myself a failure.. so what’s the deal with that?

Comparison is the Thief of Joy¹

Yup - according to my true self, I don’t think I am a failure. But as many of us fall into the trap of comparison, so do I, frequently. And when I get into the line of thinking where I’m comparing myself to others, and viewing success and growth in society as one rigid path, then I do judge myself, and can at times consider myself a failure - not by my own standards, but that of what’s mainstream or overemphasized by society.

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, and if you’ve ever wanted to put yourself out there, but catch yourself judging your own creations, or actions, you’re not alone! And while the ideal state for me is to wake up and not give two shits about what others think from the moment I wake up, I think it’s harder to practice in reality. I think in reality, it’s a lot more of noticing my thoughts, reflecting on them, and realizing what behaviours I choose not to continue, or to question when they do come up.

And then there’s one more concept that I constantly remind myself of whenever I’m fearful of the judgement that others have of me..

The Spotlight Effect

Have you ever stopped yourself from posting a picture on social media, publishing a LinkedIn post, tweeting something out, or in general putting yourself out there because you fear the judgement of what others will think?

Literally how exposed I feel when I publish my writing, thinking that the human version of the ENTIRE ANIMAL KINGDOM is watching my every step.

I have SO many times. I’ve actually wanted to express my ideas and thoughts many, many times, and ultimately stopped myself because I’d always think “people are going to roll their eyes when they see this post, people are going to laugh about me”.

This phenomenon is known as ‘The Spotlight Effect’ and The Decision Lab defines the concept as:

how people tend to believe that others are paying more attention to them than they actually are—in other words, our tendency to always feel like we are “in the spotlight.” (Why do we feel like we stand out more than we really do? The Decision Lab)

So it’s not just me who’s overthinking her actions, and believing that everybody is judging me, everybody is overthinking everybody else’s judgement on them. Which also means that everyone is obsessed with their lives just like I am, each in their own spotlight.

This sounds vain doesn’t it? Yeah, but it actually makes sense to me, and the more I think about it, the less vain it actually feels. I think we’re all conditioned to not be outcasts in society, as our very early ancestors (don’t ask me how many years ago or what they were referred to as.. Neanderthals? IDK OK? The book Sapiens exists for a reason) were conditioned for the purpose of safety and survival. So while I don’t judge myself for feeling judged by others 😂 (judgement-ception?) I now also feel liberated because I understand that I’m not the only one who experiences the spotlight effect (or the self-comparison, or the fear of failure). Others are equally obsessed with their own lives.

It’s highly unlikely that someone is reading my work with popcorn in hand, an evil laugh and a lair from which they read my work and have a laughing fit. (But if you do, I admire you - you’re the closest that Scar² is to being personified.)

What I think people do when they read my writing

..so what now?

So now I just hit submit. We all have our insecurities, our doubts, our comparisons - and we’re all engrossed in the complexities of our lives. So I try not to sweat it, and I put myself out there because it makes the true me really happy.

It’s definitely not easy, but when I consider the alternative - a life crippled with self-doubt and second-guessing - just clicking post/submit/share is the lesser of the two evils — if at all an evil in the first place.

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Your Turn

Vote on the question below and I’ll share your feedback with the rest of the audience in the next episode! It’s completely anonymous! Even I don’t see who clicks what.

👇🏾VOTE 👇🏾Where Do You Experience The Spotlight Effect The Most?

Click on ‘VOTE’ for the option that most applies to you.

• Work/Side Hustles VOTE

• Friends/Relationships/Family VOTE

• Hobbies VOTE

• All of the Above VOTE

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Havin’ Deep Thoughts Too?

Have something to say about this? Do you agree? Do you disagree? Let me know!

And if you have one extra second, leave me a comment! Tell me how I can improve. All thoughts are welcome.

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About Bala Blabs

Bala Blabs is how I stay accountable to writing regularly. Writing is something I have loved doing since a very young age. One of the first things I got praised for was a horror poem that I modelled after Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven' at the age of 7.

I've been on the journey of creating a more fulfilling life for myself. And that includes creating, and a part of creating is writing and being able to express my ideas and thought.

I'd like to write and share ideas with you on everything I find interesting in topics like personal growth, art, hobbies, and much more. And I hope that as a subscriber, you'll benefit a little bit from reading my content. At the very least, you're supporting one person on their mission to realize their true vision for their life.

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1. Theodore Roosevelt

2. Scar, from the Lion King